The short answer
A sexless marriage is usually defined as intimacy fewer than about ten times a year, and it is far more common than most couples realise. This post covers why desire fades, the deeper emotional story underneath it, what it does to each partner, how to rebuild intimacy, and how to think about when to walk away. I write as a couples coach, with warmth and no embarrassment, because this is one of the loneliest things couples carry in silence.
Of all the things couples find hardest to say out loud, this is near the top.
So if you have been lying awake next to someone you love, feeling more like housemates than lovers, wondering if it is just you… it is not just you. I have this conversation more often than almost any other.
Coach’s note. The single most useful thing I tell couples here is to rebuild non-demand touch first. A real hug, holding hands on the sofa, a hand on the back passing in the kitchen, with zero expectation it leads anywhere. Desire needs to feel safe before it returns, and safety is rebuilt through small, pressure-free affection long before anything else.
Let us take the shame out of it and look at what is actually happening.
Because once you understand the why, the path back becomes a lot clearer.
What counts as a sexless marriage
The common definition is intimacy fewer than around ten times a year. But honestly, the number matters less than how the two of you feel about it.
If you are both content, there is no problem to solve. It only becomes painful when one or both of you feels the loss, the rejection, or the quiet distance that grows in its place.
And here is the reassuring part. The fact that it bothers you usually means you still care about the connection. That is something to work with, not against.
Why desire fades over time
Desire is sensitive. It does not respond well to exhaustion, stress, resentment or routine, and long marriages tend to serve up all four.
Add young children, demanding jobs, health changes, the menopause or medication that affects libido, and it is no wonder the spark dims. If a physical cause might be at play, it is always worth a chat with your GP, because some of this has a medical root rather than an emotional one.
But in my experience, the most common cause is not physical at all. It is emotional distance that quietly moved into the bedroom.
Missing the closeness you used to have?
A calm, confidential conversation can help you understand what changed and how to find your way back.
Book a free discovery callThe thing about sexless marriages no one says
For most couples, the bedroom is a scoreboard for the rest of the relationship.
When you feel unseen, criticised or like flatmates organising a household, desire has nowhere to grow. You cannot usually fix the physical side by focusing on the physical side. You fix it by rebuilding the emotional closeness underneath, which is exactly what my work on the building blocks of intimacy is all about.
The encouraging research from the Gottman Institute on whether a sexless marriage can be saved points the same way… reconnect emotionally and physical intimacy usually follows.
What it does to each of you
The partner who wants more intimacy often feels rejected, undesirable and alone, and starts to take every “not tonight” as a verdict on their worth.
The partner who wants less can feel pressured, guilty and like they are constantly failing a test. So they withdraw further to avoid the disappointment, which the other reads as more rejection. Round it goes, with neither feeling like the bad guy yet both feeling awful.
Naming that cycle out loud, kindly, is often the first crack of light.
How to bring intimacy back
Start with non-demand touch. Rebuild physical safety without pressure, the way I described at the top of this article.
Talk about it outside the bedroom. Have the conversation over a walk or a coffee, not in the charged moment of a rejection. It takes the heat out of it.
Rebuild friendship first. Laugh together, be curious about each other, spend unhurried time. Desire grows in warm soil.
Get support if you are stuck. This is tender ground, and a steady guide helps. Reconnecting the emotional and physical sides is a big part of my couples therapy work.
When to walk away from a sexless marriage
I will be straight with you, because you deserve honesty.
If you have genuinely tried to reconnect, your partner refuses to engage at all, and the lack of intimacy leaves you feeling lonely and unloved year after year, then it is fair to ask hard questions about the future. Nobody should feel they have to choose between their marriage and ever feeling wanted again.
But please do not make that call from despair before you have given real reconnection a proper go. Most couples have not actually tried the emotional route… they have only tried enduring it.
Want to hear me talk about rebuilding closeness? Here is a short video.
“Steve’s approach is excellent, and he was attentive, making sure that he understood our individual challenges… Steve encourages us to be intentional and cultivate a culture that improves communication and intimacy. I am delighted that I was directed to meet Steve in such a challenging moment.”
Elvis Asaah, Google ★★★★★
Intimacy can be rebuilt, gently
If the closeness has quietly slipped away, you do not have to fix it on your own or in silence. No pressure, no judgement.
Book a free discovery callFrequently Asked Questions
What is classed as a sexless marriage?
Is a sexless marriage normal?
Why has my partner lost interest in sex?
Can a sexless marriage be saved?
When should you walk away from a sexless marriage?
You are allowed to want closeness. Wanting it is the start of finding it again.
Take care,
~Steve~